Wednesday, November 29, 2006
The dream was too real.It felt real and it felt as though I couldnt get out,I couldnt breathe.It held me back.I tried to break free but the ropes of restraint held me down,pulling me back into the abyss where darkness reign and light vanished.I dreamt of it again...it has been my third dream.I don't know who that individual was.Whoever you are,why are you appearing?
I got amazing presents from my maomao and cupcake!!Its uber fucking fan-BLOODY-tastic!I love em!! THANK YOU!!!
Presentation is finally over.Just waiting for the results to come in,which should be in a month or so.It was nice to see my friends again,even though it was for a short while.Seeing them just makes me want to have the BBQ even more.And I think...I shall have it.That oven is back in one piece.I am looking forward to annoying and making her life hell lol.And when are we going Bugis?I want my fish soup!!
I have two pending stories to start on and I have no idea which one I should start first.I've written down notes for one of it but the other hasn't been formally finalized.But I pretty much know where I want to go with it.I'll see how it goes.I can't decide which one to start on,as both of em are VERY tempting.However,one of the story,I'm trying to see if I can write it for someone.I mean,I can't promise but I can try.And that's also if the story takes off and that I can finish it on time.But I need to finish the current one I am writing.That's my MAIN priority.Its almost reaching its finale...so whoohoo!!
Watched a episode clip of the Tyra Banks Show today and saw a segment called AG something,forgot what it stands for but I know its something to do with uncontrollable rage.One of the "victim" had brutally hit her younger sister until she had a black eye and two broken ribs.That's really nasty stuff!!I mean...its seriously real.And I saw them reconcile...cuz the older sister was practically begging her sister to let her in,to forgive her.Its a heart-breaking moment.Before,in the past...MY past,there are times when I can be or get violent,moody at times and strike out and those around me.And I have done things I am NOT proud of.I wish I could take them ALL of it back...but I can't.Living with it is not easy,but what's happened has happened.I have to live and deal with the emotional excess scars that will be attached to my back forever.A constant reminder of what I was actually capable of and what anger could do if its not kept in check or under control.I would like to think I am a better person now,not the angry and sullen person that I was years ago.I can walk down that road but I choose not to.Everytime I want to almost reach breaking point,I think of them...and what unbearable pain I could put them thru.If I could do things I did before,history could repeat itself.And its NOT something I want to do...ever...ever again.
I am luving the massive flatscreen TV at home.And I changed my toppleoff picture again.I just luv the man!!
xxx
Saturday, November 18, 2006
I SAW JADE COLE.
She was in town and kinda in a hurry...so yeah...but I swear its her.Maybe next time,if and when I spot her again,I'll ask for a picture...and an autograph maybe?I know its her cuz after the show,she signed up under 5 model agencies and Singapore is one of them.She's not that tall in person and but she did look really fierce.
Haven't been updating so here I am.Just got back my fone.Got it serviced and yay...it works so much better than usual.Tho some numbers are missing.Damn.Tho I am already eyeing another fone lol.But the one I have has fond memories.Thanks to a certain someone for introducing it to me.Its amazing how technology changes our way of life.When it went for servicing and the kind lady told me I could only collect it the next day,I was a little sad cuz of two things.Number one was being without it felt as though I was imcomplete.Number two is that everyone(including myself)are so dependant on cell phones that we don't go anywhere without it.Pagers once ruled...but now it is the time of mobiles and wireless networks.Talk about a dramatic shift.
Was out with mao and cupcake yesterday.Just randomly walking around town before sitting at Coffee Bean at Paragon.And topics from MANUAL CARS to BIRTHDAY SURPRISES to VALENTINE'S DAY.Yes,we are VERY random.Cupcake just confuses me.When I get my license and if I ever do drive any of you home,don't confuse me and drive me round the bend!Oooohh I saw a Ferrari...gotta love how the engine purrs.
Life's good.Can't complain much.Been raining these past few days but seems to have stopped...for now.I'm still watching the L word.I love that show,its fucking hilarious.Alice is just beyond words.There's always something she pokes fun at.She just makes the show more lighter.I love Shane,the heartbreaker but loner inside...kinda reminds me of me.And the way they pronounce SUBARU is all wrong.I'm watching season 2...with a few more episodes to go.And then,its season 3 to the rescue.Yes!And season 4 has wrapped up filming.So I can't to watch it when it airs next year.Too long but tis okay.The year is almost approaching the end anyways.
I miss Mich and Ilkka very much.Haven't seen these two online for a while tho chatting to duckman a few days ago was nice.I miss all my friends,you know who you are.It was as though it had been yesterday we met...how time flies.I'm definately gonna be missing school and going to class.These are the many simple things in life that we take for granted so when its gone,its hard NOT to miss it.
The story that I'm writing so far is getting exiciting lol.Yes,its sizzling up...at least to me.Ha!Cuz my lead is being a complete jerk and arse...while the love of his life is suffering for mistakes that were never hers.And things are already starting to heat up.Whoops...did I just say too much??Hahaha!!!I love twisting and plotting the story as I move along.Its in my powers to and write what I wish.Its even more cooler that these fictional characters are my own creations and some are not.Once this is over,I'm gonna take a break(or not!)and write another story.With each new story,I'm trying to make it as different and interesting as I can.Ideas don't come easily but when it does,that's where the work begins.Writing it down is easy.Mashing them together is another.Getting them to work and rhyme together is another.Re-writing it over and over again is the tiresome part but its worth the time. Cuz it also takes the best and also worst of of any writers.But at the end of the day,what we write is the best from us because it came from our hearts...written in our blood.
Changed the picture again.I love my Toppleoff.And I miss that crazy oven.
xxx
Monday, November 06, 2006
This is my longest poem ever.It seems like forever when I started writing it.I even got stuck somewhere,constantly re-writing sentences till I got it right.And it wasn't easy!It got inspired by someone whom I met a few days ago.I haven't seen that someone for eight years so...it kinda seems like a fucking shock to me.It still is...thus this poem was born.
DID I LOSE YOU?
I saw you today
I didn't expect it
I saw my past in you
That was laced with the hurt I had caused before
I was surprised
Too speechless to move
You mirrored my reactions
Too stunned to move
Gone were the eight years
That stood between us
Never far or even nearby
Since we never bothered with each other
What was running through your mind
As we stood facing each other
What was flooding inside my mind
Rendered me speechless
In this world we dwell
What has become of us
I didn't see everything
Till it spiralled out of control
I never looked back
At the hurt I left behind
I never thought of the attacks
That left those I care with pain
I hurt you
Somehow I did
I gave you pain
Which was never yours
Did I compromise
No
Did I realize
No
Jealously reared its ugly head
Precariously tearing our relationship
But I held onto it
Even though there was almost nothing left
Though I never showed
I felt it inside
Though I never fought it
I let it linger
You never told me
I was left in the dark
You chose to let it fade away
And left me in the gray
I never knew the truth
You hid it from me
Do I follow my conscious
What am I doing here?
I tried to replace you
Someone who wasn't you
I tried to kick the habit
But I just derailed
Blinded by rage
I left without looking back
Binded by love
I felt the connection with you
You kept the letters
Somewhere in your room
You kept the letters
Even though you could have thrown it away
But you were important to me
Even though we were never so close
It was hard for me to steer
But it seems too late
Sometimes I don't know
What I am doing here
So paint me a picture of you
Cause I know its the best I have seen
If I was disloyal
I never was
If I was unattentive
I actually was
Please don't doubt me
I took what we had for granted
When I hardly cared at all
You saw the cold detached person that I was
I projected what was needed
But not what I wanted to show
I injected it cause I didn't want people to see the real me
And unexpectedly pushed you aside
Inside
I was fearful
Outside
I was fearless
But I cared
Enough for you, if not more
Even though I never showed you
I truly did
Our relationship
No matter how short it was
Was simple and sweet
But not meant for forever
Do you want to start over
And let the past stay covered
Do you want to try
And let fate take its course
I wish I could undo the past
Take back all the things I did or said
But time forbids it
And I was left wondering
Did I lose you?
xxx
